sidle_lvpd

Springboard 15

2008-07-03T03:13:03Z

Whether it's a case, a court room, a morgue, in the lab, etc... Whether it's because you aren't allowed to or can't or shouldn't, whether you're training someone else or even watching it on television, how does it feel to watch someone else do your job?

When I watched Ronnie on the scenes with me after I moved to a different shift, it felt nice. She was good at what she did. Always asking questions and running different scenarios in her head of what could have happened, looking for the smallest details in things that didn't make sense.

I knew she'd be a good asset to any team she got on in the future and she'd make her way up the ranks in no time. It felt good to see that. It meant that I was doing my job in looking after her.

Trip Home? Or no Trip Home.

2008-03-28T22:08:29Z

That remains the question.

I have the option of returning to the crime lab in Las Vegas, but is it time? It feels like time. Maybe it's the fact I want to go back to see ~~him~~ the team. I miss them more than I thought would be imaginable and I miss being there and helping, even if we had to go on separate shifts. I wonder if he even wants me still. I'm not making sense. I'm just a jumbled puzzle of a woman. Pieces that need that glue to be put back together, but I think that I have to go back to have that glue again. What kept me together for so long....

213 TM

2008-01-13T19:13:15Z

"There's enough sorrow in the world, isn't there, without trying to invent it."
E.M.Forster, A Room With A View.

Sitting in that cab as she watched the lights pass in front of her face, was one of the hardest thing Sara Sidle has done in her life. There was a empty feeling for a few moments, before it took her enough willpower to not tell the cabbie to turn around and go back. Go back to the lab. Go back to her friends. Go back to him. There didn't seem to be a right or a wrong in this sitsuation. Stay and become someone that's cold and callous, or go and leave everyone and everything behind. She had chosen the latter of the two because she knew it was best.

She wouldn't tell them good bye to their faces. She didn't want to see the look that they would have. That one that crossed a thin line between sadness and hurt. They all loved her, and wanted to help her through this mess, but she wouldn't allow them. She had to do this for herself. The good bye was simple. Just walk past everyone and find Gil. Kiss him good bye and head for the doors. She had managed that, somehow she brought herself to say good bye to the only thing that seemed to matter the most to her in her life at that time.

She'd been on a lot of different cases, some had put her into a spot that she remembered her childhood and almost broke her. This last time, being pinned under that car in the desert, was something that she couldn't shake from her memory. It was there every time that she closed her eyes and it even haunted her while she was trying to do a case. It was changing her. In her mind, this was the only way to end that. Go find herself again.

A simple letter left to Gil, expressing her feelings. Her fiance. She was leaving her future husband behind. She hadn't cried, not once while writing the letter, it wasn't like her to leave any trace of what tears she might shed in the abscence of the person she loved. She'd do that later while she was alone. Perhaps he would find her, or perhaps he would just leave her be and move on with someone else. She just wanted him to be happy and as much as that would make her miserable, she knew in the end, that's what would matter. His happiness. The teams happiness.

A smile touched her face briefly in the luggage check in line as she imagined the looks on the teams face when they found out that her and Gil were together. She would have paid to see it, because they might have their suspicions, but they could never actually honestly say they knew. No one did. Her and Gil had been so well at hiding it in public, that no one would have known if it wasn't for the kidnapping.

She thought back to the more simpler memories of her time in the Las Vegas Crime Lab. Gregs gentle teasing, trying to ask her out in his own little way. The time that she butted heads with Catherine. Working cases with Nick. Getting so upset with Gil because of that ground beef expeirement, and then walking away, only to have him come find her later and make amends.

She was going to miss all those things, but one thing Sara didn't want was to bring more sorrow onto them, they had enough to go around with the cases. Sara just needed to find herself, even if it meant losing everything she had. It was easier to leave, then it was to cry.

Sara Sidle
CSI: Las Vegas
609 words

210 TM

2008-01-07T18:20:57Z

If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about any one thing you wished ~ concerning yourself, your life, the future, or anything else ~ what would you want to know?

When you got a psychic, you expect the show of bells and the woman swaying in the seat attempting to tell you your future. It comes with the money that you pay out to the person, to get your answers that you want. They don't pay attention to the truth, it's not what they are there for.

Leaving Las Vegas, the crime lab, Gil. If I could actually bring myself to believe that a crystal ball could lend me some truth to what the future would bring, I would ask it will I ever go back? Will I got back to the lab, to my life that I had there? I can't explain it but I had to leave. I wrote a letter, kissed Gil good bye and left.

Crystal balls can't tell the future, it's not worth trying to believe that they do. The truth of the matter is, you make your future by your actions and what you do. I don't need a crystal ball to tell me that someday, when I'm better, I'll go back. When I feel it's time, and when I feel I'm together enough to do so.

Sara Sidle
CSI:Las Vegas
Open for comments, please do so to main journal.
192 words.

For Reference and a OOC note

2007-11-16T07:44:26Z

Gil,

You know I love you. I feel I've loved you forever. Lately, I haven't been feeling very well. Truth be told, I'm tired. Out in the desert under that car that night, I realized something, and I haven't been able to shake it. Since my father died, I've spent almost my entire life with ghosts. We've been like close friends, and out there in the desert it occurred to me that it was time for me to bury them. I can't do that here.

I'm so sorry. No matter how hard I try to fight it off, I'm left with the feeling that I have to go. I have no idea where I'm going, but I know I have to do this. If I don't, I'm afraid I'll self-destruct, and worse, you'll be there to see it happen.

Be safe. Know that I tried very hard to stay. Know that you are my one and only. I will miss you with every beat of my heart. Our life together was the only home I've ever really had. I wouldn't trade it for anything. I love you. I always will.

Goodbye.

Mun:
I have requested a hiatus for Sara. Simply...to get my thoughts back in the game as well as think. Stop. Breathe...finish NaNo. Tonight's episode really...broke me and Sara apart. I know it was coming. I knew it. I was..somewhat prepared..what I wasn't prepared for was the letter to Gil that nearly made me die.

TM 200

2007-10-12T18:11:03Z

If you could have any mutant/super power, which one would it be, and what would you do with it?

Telepathy. I mean, if I could have one power, it would be telepathy. That way, I could have tried to tell someone where I was, or drop hints. Maybe I wouldn't have been out there so long. A lot of things in my life might be different. I could have died out there if they didn't find me, telepathy would have helped narrow things down.

Even if I know someone can't develop these powers it would still be helpful, could even possibly help in investigations. I'm not sure if I could fully deal with having it, but I'd try. Maybe to get my point across more often then not. I don't think I would truly want it though, just random thinking that it would be useful sometimes to help things along. I'm not sure if I could handle it or that it would be all that entirely useful. I would however tell Gil that I'm sorry, and that I love him. That might be a interesting thing to have.

Sara Sidle
CSI
169 words

196. One Wish.

2007-09-17T16:56:23Z

*locked...so tight...it hurts....*

I'll make this short and sweet. I wish other people knew about Gil and I's relationship. Told you it was simple, and at the very same time, it's not simple, it's more complex then you could ever imagine. We can't tell people, because of our jobs, it would look bad. We have to maintain a completely professional environment. Thankfully, I'm not too demanding. I can't just snap my fingers and have the dream come true, because I know it'll never get out in the open.
It's like we're high school teenagers trying to hide the fact we're seeing each other from their watchful parents eyes (those parents would be everyone in the lab). I guess, wishes are mostly a selfish thing, and yes for the moment in time I'm going to be a very selfish person and make THAT wish, simply for the time being that's what I really want.

Sara Sidle
CSI: Las Vegas
150 words.
meta comments welcome at main journal

192. Dreams

2007-09-04T04:14:46Z

I don't dream. It's a fact, not a piece of fiction. I haven't dreamed since I was a little girl. As far as vivid dreams go....I don't have them either...

*locked*
There's one, that keeps coming and going once a month at least, sometimes more depending on what's happening in my life. A hand comes up behind me, and I can't breathe. Next thing I know I'm in a place where I'm tied up and someone's breath is washing over my skin and making it crawl. I feel sick. (really, when I wake up I fee sick too). I can't see their face, but somehow they seem familiar, like I've met them before, that I know them. I see the silver of something out of the corner of my eye, and as much as I try not to be scared, I can't help but swallow and hold my breath for a moment. My fear washing over my emotions and I start to panic. Then it just slides against my throat and it's the end of Sara Sidle. I work in a job where I see murder vics all the time, it's probably just a sense of a over active imagination and nothing to pay attention to. It's nothing to worry about, it's just a dream....
*unlocked*

Yeah, don't have dreams.

Sara Sidle
CSI: Las Vegas
216 words

If you could read my mind right now… Talk about a conversation when what you said was not what you w

2007-08-01T02:00:42Z

Catherine Willows: Heather told me, five years ago she was clearing twenty grand a week. And that was before Lady Heather dot com.

Sara Sidle: [after a moment] What is she like?

Catherine Willows: Beautiful, smart, intense... charming. The only woman I've ever seen rattle Grissom.

[Sara stops processing and looks up]

What I wanted to say was that There were two women in Grissom's life to make him think twice about his reactions. I wanted to just put it out there and just say something, because it was driving me insane with everyone talking about him and Heather being romantically involved again. I hated the fact that we had kept it secret, I was ready for it to just be out there. I wanted to correct Catherine, burst her bubble that she thought she knew everything. She had no clue. No one did. People THOUGHT they had some form of thoughts about the inner workings between us, but they had no idea. I just...I wanted to have a moment of weakness, something I hadn't found in a while, a piece of mind knowing that I was the one that he needed. Not Heather, I was the one he wanted. Yeah, it was a stupid notion, and I'm sorry I ever thought it, who am I to think things could be completely and entirely different then how they were.

Gil Grissom: I'm the only one Heather trusts.
Sara Sidle: I get it.
Gil Grissom: Sara.
Sara Sidle: [Grissom can't think of what to say] It's fine. Do what you need to do.

Inside I was screaming. Why can't you just tell me that you love me without trying to show me. Why can't you just speak the words instead of putting it on paper, or just showing me with touches here and there. What was so special about Heather. I felt like some lovesick teenager whose boyfriend couldn't say he loved her because it wasn't the macho thing to do. Truth of the matter was I didn't understand and I didn't get it. And I felt stupid for not listening to him. Maybe he wanted me to tell him something. Maybe he was finally ready to tell me. Maybe...I blew it. If I hadn't walked away.....

I think a lot of things inside my head when I'm having a conversation with someone. Things that I want to say but don't. Most of the time these things happen around Grissom. And lately with the whole Lady Heather thing, I just find myself wanting to set EVERYONE straight about what's really going on.

I think I actually feel like I'm starting to hate myself for everything I'm not saying. That I'm being a little selfish by wanting to put our relationship out in the open when he more then likely can't bring himself to. Maybe he's scared of what everyone will think or do. Or treat us.

If there's even an us anymore. I'm not sure..what there is.

Sara Sidle
CSI Las Vegas
409 words
This is open for RP/Meta comments on the main journal. Sara needs people around her right now :(

ooc note:

2007-06-09T15:56:11Z

I'm just NOW being able to log into Sara and Catherine's journals as well as Kaylee's. Think Livejournal finally fixed what was going on that was causing me not to be able to post or log in.

I'll get to prompts and such later on today. My kid is having issues with her MP3 player and I need to play fix it girl.

181 Describe your perfect day. [TM]

2007-06-09T15:54:58Z

Truth of the matter? There's never a perfect day. Something always tends to make things harder then they need to be.

Perfect day would just be having the same day off as Gil, to just lie in bed together and hold each other. No words, because I doubt even in my dream world, Gil would be very open with how he feels. Holding each other would be good enough. Where the phones are turned off, we can just lie there and watch something, talk about things, maybe...no. I won't say that. It's too private to just post it up somewhere for everyone to read.

It would just involve him making me feel I was the only one, when lately I really don't feel like I'm the only one. There's Lady Heather, who I found out that Gil possibly had a thing with. That hurt, beyond anything that hurt the most. That there was someone else. He didn't try defending himself at all, saying it was only for the job. That's where my perfect daydream kind of fizzles into a puddle of hurt and frustration. We never really have worked things out. I'm not even sure if he wants to. I don't know anything anymore. I'm too busy second guessing myself. Second guessing us....(if there's an us anymore. is there? I don't know. I can't be sure. I don't want to ask, it would make me feel idiotic, I already feel like a selfish child sometimes.)

My perfect day isn't perfect, it's marred with second guesses and words unspoken. How can I be so certain that even if I had the perfect day, it would truly be a perfect day? Instead of some dream that's going to break the moment I open my eyes?

Sara Sidle
CSI: Las Vegas
292 words

Since the finale...

2007-06-03T15:46:58Z

Since we don't know what's gonna happen next season, I don't know if her contracts been renewed or what the hell is going on, I'll have to look around some more *sighs* I'm gonna be playing her prompts and responses prior to the finale. Which kinda SUCKS given that..it puts a damper on her just a little bit.

Me personally? I'm like. blah. My muse is buried under a car in the middle of the desert. That makes me and my muse not a happy camper, but whatever. Gotta go with it.

If anyone wants to rp to help get her mind off of such sitsuation *bats eyelashes* I can be reached the following ways:

yahoo: dalilpeepitholly
aim: xsilenc3dxs0ul
msn: xtorenapartx@hotmail.com

I'm willing to rp mostly anything with anyone. As long as it gets my mind and her mind off the obvious things that have happened.

Damn it CSI..why are you going to let Grissoms relationship get out into the open only to have this happen *strangles*

178. Mother

2007-05-11T18:48:09Z

I was thirteen when my mother killed my father. Before that, things seemed alright, even though they weren't. My mother was a battered housewife who finally just let everything go in the world without thinking. My parents owned a bed and breakfast outside of San Francisco, and my mother always was the brightest woman that you could possibly imagine. Carefree, then again so was my father. They were ex hippies after all. Then the world came crashing down. To be honest with you, I don't remember my mom after a certain point in my life. I think I stopped remembering her when I was eleven, when everything started. When my father started drinking, that's when he started hitting her. If it hadn't been for the bottle, my father would have never turned out like he was.

In 1984, my mother stabbed my father and he died. I was taken into foster care and I stayed with another family. It wasn't so bad, but at least I have some good memories of my mom. She used to bake the best brownies. She'd make them from scratch and then have me "clean" the bowl, which usually entailed my one finger becoming a scraping spoon. I remember how impressed she had been with me when I showed her and my father the model I built of the bed and breakfast. She had that proud look that a mother gets when she can't believe how well her baby is doing. It wasn't like my father, but it's something I hold onto. We used to go places together. Everything was an adventure with her. She challenged me to use my mind, I guess that's part of the reason I am where I am today because of her. With every family, there's always good and bad. Just not everyone has to deal with the fact that their mother killed their father, and not everyone has to cope with the new life that's tossed at them.

I love my father, to this day I still love her. I've never gone to see her in jail, never written her letters, never accepted the phone calls. It's something that I want to put behind me and move forward. Look, I don't claim that my family was the dream one, or that it was even remotely close. I just know that I had a mother that loved me, and probably felt at the time she stabbed my father, that she was doing it for the both of us, so that it didn't happen to me in the event that she wasn't around. I still have that. I still have the sense to know that she loved and cared for me. That's what a mother is, no matter how much you want to try and twist things, your mother is the person is whose there for you. They don't have to be your birth mother, they could be someone you view as a second mother, or someone that you just happen to be close to. I'm getting off topic here, I'm trying to avert from the subject.

Sara Sidle
CSI Las Vegas
517 words.

mun note

2007-05-11T04:33:51Z

Just wanted to say. If Sara dies in the season finale? You will see one angry mun. Who will think this whole thing is stupid and she WILL be ignoring it and going along like it never fucking happened. Sorry to everyone that follows "canon" but thats the way the cookie crumbles.

[TM] #177: Who has made you smile recently?

2007-05-11T04:30:26Z

Given tonights events? I'm guessing I have to talk about a prior smile...

I was at Gil's house, and he left me in his room, (our room?. I found the letter he wrote me and he never sent. It was every emotion put into one single letter. His thoughts flowed through the phrases that he said, and I was amazed. I looked from the letter to the direction that he was and then looked back at the letter. I smiled. I remember the words perfectly.

...Shakespeare can express (my feelings?)... better than I...

Sonnet #47
Betwixt mine eye and heart a league is took, And each doth good turns now unto the other: When that mine eye is famish'd for a look, Or heart in love with sighs himself doth smother, With my love's picture then my eye doth feast And to the painted banquet bids my heart; Another time mine eye is my heart's guest And in his thoughts of love doth share a part: So, either by thy picture or my love, Thyself away art resent still with me; For thou not farther than my thoughts canst move, And I am still with them and they with thee; Or, if they sleep, thy picture in my sight Awakes my heart to heart's and eye's delight.

It's just how Grissom shows his affection. He's better at finding people who have said what he means then by expressing it using his own words. It's who he is. I don't think I have a happy moment today. Catherine's words cut me like a knife in the heart. And when Gil tried explaining, my only answer was it was alright. It was his job. The worst thing is I'm not sure of myself anymore. I'm not sure of what we have (had?) I'm not sure of anything anymore. A part of me just wishes he would find me, and try to explain and then a part of me thinks that he can't. It doesn't mean I can't wish it does it?

Sara Sidle
CSI: Las Vegas
340 words.
This is open for replies. Please comment at main journal. Thank you.

Best Friends

2007-05-03T22:07:33Z

When you look for a best friend, you look for someone that is loyal, dependable, trustworthy and full of the same likes and dislikes as you. They comfort you, offer you a shoulder to cry on and when you're trying to hide they offer shelter. They're the ones that will wipe away your tears when you're crying because something got under your skin. My best friend holds me, we can have conversations of the abnormalities of blood and still laugh about it at the end of the whole thing. He told me that I made him happy, not sad. That meant something. He means something to me and we have a strange way of showing our affection to each other. We're private about it. Sometimes I hate it, and sometimes I love the fact that we have a private way of showing these things to one another. My best friend...makes me feel complete, whole. He's the only one that can take the broken peices and put them back together. He's my...everything.

Sara Sidle
CSI Las Vegas
171 words

What is the biggest mistake you've made in a relationship? - TM APP

2007-03-26T05:34:18Z

My biggest mistake is not being honest with how I felt about certain things. I've come a long way, taken a job when I was offered it because it meant I would be near someone that I admired, someone I trusted, and through it all I remained calm, cool and collected. I did the job I set out to do and didn't bother thinking twice about the consequences that might come from it. I'm a jealous person, though I keep it very well hidden and I played the dance of the girl who didn't care, wasn't effected by anything.

There have been many woman come and go, and I'm not quite sure what exactly lies in the cards ahead. I know that Grissom is someone that I can confide in, someone that has been there for me from the very beginning and I admire him for that. I won't say that I'm in a relationship with him, because really. Let's not get into it alright? I'll only say that I'm not honest with people, and I'm not honest with things in my life. That's my biggest mistake. Can't we stop talking about this now?

Hello

2007-02-05T19:41:10Z

Sara Sidle, Las Vegas Police Department, Crime Investigation Unit. I'm uh, not very good with these kinds of things, and mostly I work in the field making sure I do what I can to get the guys that did it caught. I work under Gil Grissom, who has been my mentor so to speak for years now. I'm good friends with Greg Sanders, whom I'm sure is lurking somewhere in the shadows listening to Marilyn Manson no doubt, and Catherine, Warrick, and Nick. I love them all, their like my family. But I'll never actually admit that to their faces. It isn't characteristic of me to do that. SO, yeah, nice to meet everyone.

I picked up Sara, but to be honest I'm playing by ear on some of her stuff because I haven't seen each season with her in it and stuff and I'm still catching up. lol. She's open for RP and making friends, if you can get through her toughness and insecurities that is.